For those of you true retards out there who know exactly what John and I look like, but are a little fuzzy as to whom this Chris Burke character is , I have added a picture of him here. Apparantly this guy was on this show for three seasons, and now there are millions of people that would recognize his picture. Well, John and I could not let another retard on our turf, so we got in our most intimidating outfits to go and make Corky pay for what he's done to all retards in this fine country of ours.
So John (dressed as the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz) and I (dressed in a football uniform complete with skirt and pom-poms) marched directly over to the Chris Burke estate intending to put him in a large sack and drive him in the trunk of our car to a desert somewhere (what a plan!) then we'd drop him on the ground and tell him to quit playing the part of a retard.
John rang the doorbell while I hid in the bushes, ready to pounce as soon as John gave me the sign (He'd start singing "I am the King of the Jungle"), but he never gave me the sign. Something had to be wrong! I leapt from the bushes and saw John sitting on the front step eating a candy bar.
I slapped the candy from his mouth in case it was poisonous. I then asked him to fill me in on what happened.
"It was the weirdest thing," John started. "When he saw me, it seemed as if he weren't intimidated at all. I went to grab him in my sack and he turned around to grab something. I thought it was a gun, so I froze with the sack out in front of me. He turned towards me, dropped something in my bag, and closed the door. Thinking it was a bomb, I dropped it and turned my back, but then I got smart. I decided to throw it at his window, so I reached in the bag and pulled out that candy bar. It looked so chocolaty and delicious and tempting and ..."
With that, John dove to the ground and began devouring the now dirt-ridden candy bar. This led me to believe that we were dealing with no normal retard.
He must have done his research on our weaknesses, so our next plan of attack must be better planned out. And since John was out of commission until that candy bar was gone, it was up to me to think one up.
John and I had about sprained our brains just coming up with our first plan, so I knew that our next actions would have to be so precise that it would take perfect retardedness of all our retardation combined. Then I figured it out! Our first plan had failed because it was thought out too well. It was an ingenious plan that could only be fouled up by a retard. We had to reach into our inner retards to beat this guy.
John then finished his candy bar and was about to throw away his wrapper when the idea hit me.
"Hey! That hurt," I said to John when he threw his wrapper into my eye. "Wait! That gives me an idea." I then proceded to explain to John that Corky is retarded and that he may be almost as retarded as us. If he is, he will believe just about anything.
I jumped up from the porch and knocked on the door. When Chris answered, I stuck out my finger and yelled, "Stick 'em up, or I'll shoot!" It worked! He really thought that my finger was a gun (like I'd leave it loaded or something) and I was going to used it as a weapon.
I escorted Chris to the trunk of my car, (an '86 Nova) and ordered him into it. When we realized that he wasn't going to fit, John figured that we really didn't need to drive all the way to the desert just to tell him something. But I still wanted to make it so he fell on his butt like he was falling out of a trunk. John (being the brilliant retard he is) thought that falling off of a trunk was probably just as good. I had to agree. But since my car is a hatchback, he would have to be on my window, and windows are made of glass, and glass breaks, so that was not going to be good.
So here we were stuck with no trunk for Corky to fall off of. We then tried to think of other kinds of trunks. Let's see... There are car trunks, elephant trunks, luggage trunks, and ,of course, tree trunks.
That was it! We just forced him to climb up a tree by fingerpoint, and then to fall out. It was such a great plan. Once he hit the ground, I ran over to him and said, "There is only room for me and John in the world of retards, so you had better get out of the public limelight and quit that show you're on!"
That sure showed him, when he finally woke up after being knocked out from falling the 34ft. out of the tree I said it to him again. This time he responded by saying something like that the show was cancelled in 1993 or something. All I know is that I got him to promise not to act in that show anymore, and he was supposed to get me Kelly Martin's (Becca Thacher) signature.
This was truly a proud day in R-Team History!